I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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