he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
