I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
