I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
