Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
