is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
