When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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