Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
