giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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