a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
