Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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