I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
