I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
