I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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