glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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