Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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