Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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