i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
