after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
