if i can run in heels then i can drive
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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