I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
