I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
