My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
