I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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