this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
