FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
