Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
