I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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