Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
