My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
