I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
