someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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