My hand turned me down
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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