I just pynch a tree in the face
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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