someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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