When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
