Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
