You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
