Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
