I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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