well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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