it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Oh god it's open bar.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
