god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
