i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
