so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
