They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
