New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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