I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
