I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
