walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
