Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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