Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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