my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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