So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
