At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
