how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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