i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize