This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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